How to live separately in the same house with your ex

With housing costs as high as they are, more and more divorcing couples are facing the question, “How do you move on when you can’t afford to move out?”

Whether you’re just biding your time until the home is sold and the proceeds divided or you and your ex are trying to share living space to make co-parenting easier, there are some ground rules you need to have.

Set clear boundaries

Breaking up is tough, but breaking up while still living under the same roof brings whole new challenges. You need clearly defined boundaries to reduce conflicts. Decide which areas of the home are “shared” and which are off-limits to the other spouse (like private bedrooms). You also need to limit the potential for emotional dependence on each other, so try to schedule your time in shared areas (like the kitchen) so that you don’t see each other very often.

Establish new household routines

Many of the old rules need to go out the window. To avoid unnecessary friction, sit down and make an agreement that does not rely on assumptions based on past behavior. This means addressing:

• Payment of bills: How are the shared expenses, such as the mortgage and utilities, to be divided? Who will make the actual payments? Do they need to provide receipts?
• Chores: Who cleans the shared areas and when? Who takes care of the yard? Who puts out the trash? Clear expectations make the new dynamics easier to manage.
• Privacy: Does the other party have any expectation that you’ll notify them when you’re going out of town or won’t be home overnight? What are your boundaries when it comes to electronics, shared passwords to the streaming account and other things?
• Shared responsibilities: If you’re co-parenting, coordinate. Figure out who is responsible for school lunches, drop-offs, pick-ups, bath time, dinner and bedtime. You want to minimize the disruptions for your children, so focus on a routine that works.

Finally, give each other as much space as possible. With practice, it can get a lot easier to maintain your physical and emotional distance while you work through your divorce or post-divorce living situation.